Our Home with you Gone

Tony Love 20 April 2026 06.00

I slept a little, cried a lot. Your body had been collected at 2am and of course you had left instructions to the funeral director. The bed you passed away in sits in the lounge, but your not there. I don’t miss seeing you in pain and it seems cancer has been here for so long, it changed all of our lives in so many ways. Your bravery shone through everything and I admire you in ways I know you understood. You told me I was your comfort blanket and that made me feel loved. Cancer in so many ways brought us closer together, it allowed you to show a caring side, not just to me and the kids but others too. But that gave me just more to miss. The people who we became because of the cancer could of been anyone, but you made it so that we became better, stronger and we loved each other more than the day we vowed to stay together. Cancer took so much from us both, but we found each other in that darkness, we found why we were together. The silence reminds me of the size your character was, the home we shared just a house now. You said to me I will be amazed at who stays and who doesnt when you pass and how much my circle will shrink but become stronger, what we both didnt know was just how dark my world would become without you in it.

Tony Love 21 April 2026 19.30

The funeral directors are coming today, try put something of a plan in place for your funeral, I’ve arranged it at your mums house and asked Joanne if she wants to be there and she said yes. So 2pm we start putting things in place, the date semi confirmed and because you were so loved and so many expected we need a double slot. So much to plan and what feels like so little time. The songs, the pictures to use and the flowers. Joanne told me a Robin visited her garden this morning, we know you loved Robins, was that you. I have an idea of what you would want but also the lingering doubt that keeps hitting of am I doing this right.

22 April 2026

I remember the funeral director coming yesterday, she spoke so highly of you because of course she was someone else you also knew and who knew you well. People think so highly of you and I couldn’t believe the things you had already put in place. We made some decisions most of which I can’t remember. Some provisional dates and places for the wake. I cried on Joanne’s shoulder and felt the hollow feeling again that keeps haunting me, how can I feel so hollow and dead inside while still living. Its something, a feeling I can’t put into words. I detachment from everything and I wonder if it wasn’t for Jacob would I still be here, would I have the fight to carry on without you.

Tony Love 23 April 2026

Today I registered your death at the place we married, the office was just around the corner from where we promised in sicknesses and in health and till death do us part. Is that it now, I’m single. I walked past the stair case where we posed for photos holding each other on our magical day. We signed the paperwork that meant we were together forever and now I’ve just signed to say you have gone and I’m alone. I know we have our boy’s here, but I want them to find their way. But all of this seems pointless without you here, all the dreams we shared and the plans we made all seem like another life because they were. I also found out the date we finally say goodbye, the funeral. 19 May, our wedding anniversary. The happiest day of our lives has become the day I say a final goodbye. I wish I could understand the feelings I’m feeling, the memories are there and the photos are all a reminder of what I’ve lost and the memories taunt me when I’m trying to sleep. I hear your voice everywhere and wish we had more time. More time for us, more time to sit and be at peace.

Tony Love 24 April 2026

I sit in our garden under the shelter we built for you, not in your chair, not yet. Your out door shoes are in place next to the back door, the mat straight which you always insisted on. I sit and imagine our conversations over a coffee while we sat in the garden. I regret having late nights watching TV as you were always in bed early, why didn’t I go with you and just lay next to you. Feel your warmth like I used to do when you were sleeping. I cry, tears of regret and tears of sadness at what has been taken and the life I see before me as alien and barren.

Tony Love 25 April 2026

The mind can be your cruellest enemy sometimes, it keeps showing me everything I have done wrong like a slide show, I keep telling myself we were happy and we were content and the arguments we had were just part of being a couple but someone needs to tell my ever constant brain this because the regret loop is continuous. Why am I struggling to remember the fun we had, the love we shared and the times we were just happy in each others company. I look at photos of happy times and try and remember how they felt but then miss you more because I can’t ever have them again. I need to remember the brave and courageous you, the you that knew me better than I could ever know myself, the you that finished my sentences and the you that thought of others beyond your own needs. Missing you is a pain that burns deep in the soul. I see your face on the day you left, the life that shone in your eyes gone, the passion in your smile never to be seen again. Miss you. I ate my first meal today since you passed, Jacob keeps leaving me food on that table I brought for you. I do cook for them although Jacob has also done a couple of meals, keeps saying he wants to be a chef. I really didnt want to eat but something was telling me I need to be strong for what lies ahead while I could easily just fade away. But Jacob is only 14, he doesnt deserve to see both his parents fade away and I keep telling myself I cant give away something that you fought so hard to try and keep. So I ate, I ate for them and I ate for you.

Tony Love 27 April 2026

Went to the allotment today, didnt stay long as it didnt seem right without you there. I sat in your favorite chair where you alwys used to sit and have a drink while giving me instructions. My mind is blank and im too overcome with emotions to do any actual work, so I sat in the chair next to yours and talked out loud to you like you were there with me. Again I cried, are my tears for you or for what ive lost or simply both. The thoughts that haunt me at night now haunt my days too. Im in a hole, one that seems to just get bigger by itself while im asleep. I wake up and im deeper than when I went to sleep.

Tony Love 28 April 2026

So many times ive asked myself do I belong here anymore, do I have a place here anymore. Its a strange feeling, I dont feel like I would be ending a life just finishing off the job that someone else already started. Im just a shell right now, no life and zero hope for anything.

Tony Love 03 May 2026

I remember the conversations we had about the garden and how we couldn’t agree on how it should look so it never go done. But one thing I remember is the lollipop trees you wanted 2, 1 either aide of the pond. I wondered semi aimless into B & Q and brought 2. I couldnt remember which ones you wanted because we were meant to buy them on the sunday but you were too ill. I settled on robin ones as the last thing you brought for the garden was a robin. The robin also keeps visiting Joanne in her garden and we cant help think its you just popping in to say “hi mate, miss ya”. The trees are now in the garden either side of the pond as you wanted.

Tony Love 18 may 2029

The day before your funeral, we went to the place where we celebrated our wedding to set up the tables and make sure the venue was ready. I feel motivated because I’m doing something for you, I always loved to do things for you, for us.

Tony Love 19 May 2026

The day we finally lay you to rest, I woke up and thought we need something more at the venue, me and Sam collected as many photos as we could and put together something, almost a shrine with flowers and a book people could write message’s to you and seal them in envelopes. It felt like a finishing touch. The service was amazing and I carried you in with our friends. Typically your life story raised as many smiles as it did tears and we played your favorite songs. This, our wedding anniversary with the wake at the same venue we celebrated our wedding. I didn’t aim for that but you were so popular we needed a double slot and that was the only viable day. I also tried so many venues but nothing other than this. The day went as I hope you wanted, the people you called family were there to say goodbye and their love for you was obvious. I went through so many emotions, so many thoughts were looping through my mind like a movie that seemed to loop continuously.

Tony Love Friday 26 May 2026

We went to see my sister today for a long weekend, I needed a break and a new environment. Poor Jacob had been off school for two weeks with the funeral week and half term and we hadn’t been anywhere. I really don’t feel in the go somewhere kinda mood but we need to. You avoided going there so we all could have a place we didn’t see you there or hold memories of you after you had gone.

Tony Love Saturday 27 May 2026

As usual you were the first thought on my mind, the Boys stayed in a hotel last night and hoped they were OK and enjoyed it. We did some golf putting, sam and Jacob enjoyed it so much I will buy them some clubs and see what happens. I’m just trying to create something we can do together. You had already started this with the campervan and the fishing.

Tony Love Friday 5 June 2026

I had my first session in therapy today. Its still so raw talking about you, I talked about how much you did, not just for your family but the community. I learnt that you never get over loss but learn to live with it. That seems like a tough journey but then it feels like a lifetime since you were taken. I miss you as much now as the day you took your last breath.

Tony Love 06 June 2026

Not been to allotment today, been too busy. I feel actual guilt for what I see as letting you down. I know its your place and its a mess, I’m trying to get on top of everything but its a struggle. Missing you as always, loving you as usual. I’m getting used to talking out loud to you. The happy times we had seem to be filtering through more and more, the day we met and the birth of our children. I still find myself crying and when I think of the happy times I miss you. I sit alone on our bed and wonder how much time I will have to live in this lonely world, I hope I can do right by our children and they grow remembering the lessons you tried so hard to teach them. the love you showed them and the self belief you tried to instill in them.

07 June 2026

More drama and Samuel has decided to start his own little business, our friend Alison has asked him to clean her windows. Apparently there is no one on her estate to do them so could turn into a good little round.

08 June 2026

Turns out Alison has a bunch of trees in her front garden, realized I’ve never been in her front garden. I was helping Sam clean her windows and of course we had to go to front. She mentioned she wanted a couple of the trees gone so were using your old chainsaw and one from our good neighbor Mark. All trees down just need to clear mess. I brought your domain names last night, I still don’t know if its right but for a few pounds its worth it. I don’t know if having a website and the book is too much, I don’t want to make this too big as in make you some kind of brand but then your message is important. Its also a way for me to give you something, No idea what, but it feels good to be able to show your words, your message. I really don’t know if its a message of hope, determination, the will to fight or simply its really OK to not be OK, which is good because im not OK. The idea of joining you, at least until i’m old isn’t something that I think about now. Ive managed to build somethings, my relationship with our friends, my love of building stuff, your allotment and of course our children. Its almost like i,m making things to give me purpose while exploring old things to keep the memories alive.

Tony Love 09 June 2026

All mess clear and car full of leaves, garden looks better and was a Good way to divert my attention for a couple of days. Nights are still hard, the peace is filled with memories and although some make me smile I have realised there won’t be any new memories made now. The pain does ease a little but I miss you always. I still haven’t spoken to your mum, she has messaged Jacob and I’m not making any decisions for him, he’s his own person and can decide for himself. That was what we loved most about Jacob and of course all 3 of our boys.

Tony Love 10 june 2026

Still haven’t sorted out your stuff yet, cant face that job just yet. While your things are here and your shoes in the hallway, your kinda here also. I don’t want to see our home with you erased, its not a home as it is just a house.

Tony Love 11 June 2026

My second theropy session today,, some days im ok and other im not. At therapy i was told if you dont want to get up one day, then dont and just stay in bed. But I think the idea of my brain going in auto at the min isnt a great idea. The pain in many ways is still too much to bear.

Tony Love 22 June 2026

Another first without you here, my birthday. I had no idea you had brought me gifts and a card, I haven’t opened the card as I don’t feel ready. I know your words will be deep and I need to prepare myself and so your card gets put to one side for now. Thanks so much for the fishing gear, I know I will enjoy fishing with our boys and creating more memories, maybe create some inner peace.

Tony Love 24 June 2026

I opened your card today and cried, as always you knew what to say

“Dear Tony, If your reading this with me by your side weve beaten the odds again and im smiling because I get to see you open this, if your reading this without me, please know im still with you but in a different way. The gift isnt a rod and reel, its time, its quiet, its space to breath when the world feels too heavy. I brought you this as my meaningful gift to you, to give you those moments with the boys but equaly the quiet reflection time for yourself. When you stand by the water I hope you feel peace, when you cast I hope you feel hope, when you sit with our sons I hope you feel comfort in what we created. Grief will come and go, let it, but promise me, dont stop living, dont stop finding the moments that make you feel alive. Now everytime you fish im there. Happy birthday Tony, love always Kirstin XX

Tony Love 26 June 2026

Woke up with something of a spring in my step, like i had purpose. The card I opened yesterday is out on display and the words you wrote had the desired affect. I hear you loud and clear and i’m trying. I wont let the frief consume my every waking hour but also know there will be days or I hear a song or smell something that reminds me of you, but that’s OK. Remembering you does’t burn anymore. I feel I have moved forward a little, I can remember who we were.

Tony Love 02 July 2026

My third therapy session today, Im getting better at expressing my emotions and saying how I feel, it really helped to hear my self talk not just about the cancer or you dying, I talked about what made me fall in love with you, memories of holidays, decorating our first childs room together, moving in to our first house. So many things that made us happy, I also remember we argued, but I dont regret them. I read somewhere if you dont argue with your wife sometimes then you really dont have a marrage and so I accept we didnt always see eye to eye. Its nice to be able to remember what we had.

Tony Love 04 july 2026

Ive been working on that infinity table now on and off for about a week and nearing the end. Ive enjoyed building something as it feels rewarding in a sense. My memory seems to be getting better, the therapist told me its your mind trying to focus on whats important and in grief it doesnt see some things as important enough to consume me with. So I can only assume im getting stronger. I can recall memories of when we were happy, my theropist told me my memory would be bad while my mind worked on healing itself as a form of protection and now it feels like each day im remebering more and more like im reliving our lives all over again. I find myself smiling sometimes at the silly arguments we had, the awful gifts I would get for you and the pleasure we sometimes took from just being with each other. I found your wedding ring that you took off as your fingers began to swell due to the chemo and have it with me always. I dont sit and feel sorry for myself as much now, I think im living a life, I think im begining to know as much as im on this path alone I have our boys with me but I wont hold on to them. When their ready to be free I wont stand in their way and at the same time try and be here if they ever need me. I do try and advice them but that was always your thing and you were always there with the right thing to say. You said our circle would get smaller, and it has. But those who have been there have supprised me more than those who havent made it this far. Ive sent off the documents for the Gala and hope we can get the book ready in time.

Tony Love 05 July 2026

Had an amazing day today, almost felt normal with just a hint of guilt, guilt for feeling happy. Me and Jacob went fishing today and I sat and sure I could feel you nearby. This is defo the first day ive felt normal since all this began. Your card you sent me for my birthday keeps playing in my mind, I promise I will try.

Tony Love 06 July 2026

Been to allotments today and planted some stuff, most things are growing well and I can see it taking shape well. I still miss seeing you sat there giving me instructions but now know you are not coming back. I havent let you go nor will I ever, you are still such a big part of my life, my waking thought and my last thought of the day. The idea I may spend more time on this earth than we were together hurts me, you worked so hard to make sure we had a future that was good and then you made a future knowing you wouldnt be in it but made it easier for us all to cope and carry on. Your last fight in a way was to ensure we had everything we needed, lots of shower gels, washing tablets and fabric softener, loo rolls and dog food plus so much more. As always I miss you more than I can write. Our boys continue to do us proud in so many ways but also present challenges that im new to and im only now beginig to understand the daily fights you had and the energy it took just to get through the day. Im looking forward to going back to work, although no iidea how I will cope with everything, but we had some amazing friends around us who I know I can call upon if needed. Im trying, hope your watching and not too annoyed.

07 July 2026

Been working on this all day today (website), reliving your best and worst moments. Been a good day, one of the better ones and i’m able to feel more and focus more. I still miss you but i’m beginning to see a life without you here, not as happy as if you were here, no other life would be as happy than one with you next to me, but its a life of sorts. Lets see where it takes me and our boys.

11 July 2026

Been to allotment nearly every day, my infinity table is nearly done and our Joseph keeps dragging me into various projects which to be honest has been a distraction and a nice return to some sort of norm. I do worry about the lads and hope their feeling OK, they don’t really say loads and iv’e tried so hard to get them help they might need to understand what their going through. There is help out there and iv’e given the details to them but they have to call as I cant do it for them, their call is expected and iv’e encouraged them to make that call.

12 July 2026

This will be my last post, I am still doing therapy and think there is another 6 or 7 to do. But im waking each day with some hope. I know I wont ever move on fully but I dont want to. I remember the love and the happy times we shared. Yeah we argued, what good couples dont. I know you wanted all of us to be happy and I promise I will try my best to ensure our boys keep doing their best and live a life I know would make you proud. Im pleased I can remember the happy times, im pleased and proud of not only how you fought but made sure cancer didnt define us as a family. We all have those precious memories of you and we will never stop missing you or loving you. But I do need to move on in a way, keep living as you told me. But if there is a heaven, if you can pop by from time to time and remember that this is our home that we built. I promise to keep it tidy and make sure boys eat well. I don’t know when, but as promised and as this story started we will release your ashes at the same place we did your dads, at primrose valley. Keep all the love we shared together and know I might be slowly healing there will always be a place in me that is forever broken. Till we meet again XXXX

Jacobs words

Everyone talks about strength, but everyone secretly means a different word. Some say strength and think of supporting others. Some say strength and think of being resilient when things go wrong. Some say strength and think of making sure others are seen to, even when you need your own support. I just have to look at my mum and know it’s all those things.
When the doctors sat us down a few years back and gave her just six months to live, they were just looking at statistics on a medical chart. They didn’t know the woman they were dealing with. She didn’t just accept the timeline she was given; she completely defied it. She turned those six months into twenty-three months of pure fighting, love, and memories. Every single extra day she gave us was a victory she won through sheer determination, keeping everyone else seen to and loved right until the very end.
Our relationship wasn’t about big, dramatic gestures; it was built on the quiet, solid moments we shared every day. Even when the treatment was heavy and she was exhausted, she would always make time to sit with me, ask how my day was, and listen to whatever project I was cooking up. We had our own bond, full of inside jokes and a shared understanding that didn’t even need words half the time.
She was my biggest believer. No matter how wild or ambitious my ideas were—whether I was cooking things from scratch, fishing, doing my hobbies, or anything of the sorts—Mum never told me to slow down or play it safe. She would look at what I made with so much genuine pride in her eyes, encouraging me to keep going and backing myself. Having her in my corner gave me the ultimate confidence to find my own path.
Seeing her smile, post her updates on Facebook, and keep her head held high through the absolute hardest journey a person can face taught me more about endurance than any school lesson ever could. She didn’t care about doing what everyone else was doing; she cared about what was real.

The grit I have today—the focus that drives me to sit at my desk, do things from scratch, and push myself to be completely independent—comes entirely from her. She didn’t just give me life; she showed me exactly how to live it with pride and purpose.

Mum, you fought the hardest match anyone could ever play, and you did it with absolute dignity. You didn’t just survive those twenty-three months; you lived them. I am carrying your strength, your independence, and your name into everything I build. You will always be the baseline for everything I do.

Copyright © 2026 Anthony Love

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means — electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise — without prior written permission from the copyright owner. This book contains original writing, posts, and creative material by Kirstin Cullen (Love). Under UK copyright law and intestacy rules, all rights to her creative work are owned by Anthony Love. Any adaptation, rewriting, paraphrasing, or derivative use of Kirstin’s original material remains protected under copyright and may not be used without permission. All content is included with respect and in loving memory of Kirstin Cullen (Love).

First EditionPublished 2026 Normanton, West Yorkshire, United Kingdom

Printed in the United Kingdom